Certificate of
Linguistic Death

✠ filed in perpetuity ✠

⸻ Phrase of Record ⸻

“do not have a cow”

Almost nobody says this sincerely.

DECEASED

⸻ Status of Decedent ⸻

Dead

⸻ Peak Era ⸻

1990s

⸻ Cause of Death ⸻

Bart Simpson did all he could.

⸻ Confidence of Autopsy ⸻

78%

⸻ Meaning ⸻

Don't overreact.

⸻ Modern Translation ⸻

“Chill.”

✠ cast your mark ✠

Pay your respects, dispute the autopsy, or testify that the deceased is, in fact, alive.

Each session may add one of each mark. The coroner reads all of them.

☈ sightings ☈

A phrase can be dead nationally and alive on one street. Put a pin in the map.

No sightings recorded. Where do you say this?

report a sighting

⚖ right of appeal ⚖

A verdict is a first opinion. If this one is wrong, say so, and say why.

✎ witness statements ✎

Votes count the crowd. This is where one person gets to say what they actually remember.

Nobody has been blamed yet.

one accusation each · no names, only categories

No one has testified yet.

⸻ send a eulogy ⸻

Paste it into the group chat. The recipient can vote, dispute, or revive directly from the link.